With tears in my eyes, I write this, simply because I’m having one of those days. 2016 was not an easy year for me from the start; it was one change after another, after another, and I realize I’ve started to blame myself for being human, and that has created an internal conflict that has slowly been devouring me since the beginning of the year.
I was in the shower a little while ago when I realized what it is that I need: To forgive myself. I’ve always been a forgiver, never one to hold a grudge. There have been points in my life where my parents thought that I was too forgiving and trusting (and, well, maybe I was with some people). However, I don’t think I have that same philosophy with myself. I’ve always held myself to higher standards than anyone else has held me to, and I think that is one major reason why I suffer from depression and anxiety; I am a perfectionist with myself.
I’m not saying that this is going to be easy. I’m not saying that this is an easy fix. Heck, I’m not even saying that I know how to do it. What I am saying is that I need to let myself off the hook about some things, especially the ones that I had no chance of controlling. Whether people blame me for things or not, there are just some parts of the universe that I can’t change, at least, not now.
I am saying that I need this forgiveness, and I shouldn’t have to earn it. I deserve understanding from myself and to know that God has a much bigger plan than any of those that I could come up with.
I am saying that if God can forgive me every day for every stupid thing I do, I should be able to forgive myself.