A Letter to Myself: The Gym-Go-er

Dear Me,
You realized your first semester of college that you liked working out – go you! That’s great. Then life started getting in the way, and you weren’t able to go since before finals of the same semester. Now it’s the beginning of the second semester, and you have eighteen credit hours, an honor society, and your own mental health to look after. Not to mention some semblance of a social life, which normally is reduced to pizza and a movie with your best friend on a Friday night (because Saturdays and Sundays are for homework).

You’ve been down on yourself recently, and that’s okay. You’ve been eating everything that you can get your hands on (which varies from day to day), and just this evening your dad asked you if you’ve been to the Rec. recently. You said no, but that you’ve been meaning to. However, the thought has only crossed your mind a handful of time since classes started. The truth is that you just haven’t had the time to think about it.

But tonight is different. You realized that you missed it, and you asked yourself why. Some part of yourself says to lose weight (because you still hate your body, even though you’ve made progress on being nicer to it), but the biggest part says that it’s much bigger than that. It’s more important than that. You like going to the gym because it makes you stronger. It makes you feel better, mentally and physically. It makes you tired. It makes you feel like your body is owned by you instead of drowning you.

What is there to do?

Be patient with yourself. Make time for the gym, when you can, and try not to stress about it when you can’t. Eat when you have time because God knows you don’t have a lot of time these days, and some days you might overdo it – indulge some times! But don’t take that feeling of pride for your body go away. Own it. Whether you reach that goal weight by the end of the semester or not: Own it.

Love,
You.

The Long Process of Self-Forgiveness…

With tears in my eyes, I write this, simply because I’m having one of those days. 2016 was not an easy year for me from the start; it was one change after another, after another, and I realize I’ve started to blame myself for being human, and that has created an internal conflict that has slowly been devouring me since the beginning of the year.

I was in the shower a little while ago when I realized what it is that I need: To forgive myself. I’ve always been a forgiver, never one to hold a grudge. There have been points in my life where my parents thought that I was too forgiving and trusting (and, well, maybe I was with some people). However, I don’t think I have that same philosophy with myself. I’ve always held myself to higher standards than anyone else has held me to, and I think that is one major reason why I suffer from depression and anxiety; I am a perfectionist with myself.

I’m not saying that this is going to be easy. I’m not saying that this is an easy fix. Heck, I’m not even saying that I know how to do it. What I am saying is that I need to let myself off the hook about some things, especially the ones that I had no chance of controlling. Whether people blame me for things or not, there are just some parts of the universe that I can’t change, at least, not now.

I am saying that I need this forgiveness, and I shouldn’t have to earn it. I deserve understanding from myself and to know that God has a much bigger plan than any of those that I could come up with.

I am saying that if God can forgive me every day for every stupid thing I do, I should be able to forgive myself.