Clearly, I don’t have a set pattern for what I post here. I just kind of post what’s on my mind. Whether it’s my grandfather or a boy that’s not mine, it’s all how I’m feeling. I use writing to express myself, mostly because I’m not a big talker, but also because it’s the only way that I know how. It’s how I taught myself to cope with life and everything that it throws at me.
With that being said, I’m using this blog as a kind of record. How I feel at certain times, who has my heart, how many times it has been broken. It’s everything, yet when someone asks me what I’m doing, I’ll say nothing.
I’m tired of the leaving.
You were supposed to stay.
You were my constant,
Then you left.
You decided I wasn’t enough.
Just like everyone else.
Now I’m grabbing for memories,
They’ll fade over time.
But I’ve learned a lot
And my feelings for you are forever.
And I’m sorry.
Feelings are tough. They’ll tell you when you’re lost, sad, or elated. But what we really notice is when they make us feel like a nail drawn to a magnet. And that magnet is normally another human being. Then sometimes that person doesn’t feel the same, or maybe they’re just shy like you are. It’s a confusing time, for sure, but one thing’s certain:
You want to be around them, talk to them, think of them, day dream about them every second of every day.
In my life, I have written more than I can keep up with. That includes little paragraphs here and there that get lost forever in the whim. Today I came across the paragraph above, and I realized that this is still very relevant to myself today. Whatever I was going through back then, I’m going through again.
While it’s sad to me that I’m back in this place, and I’m finding that the past does repeat itself, I also find this fact every important: I survived it back then, and I can survive it again.